


I know who I am when I’m alone

by gilleboll



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Drabble, First Kiss, M/M, Red is mute, Sign Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-04-06 04:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19055344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilleboll/pseuds/gilleboll
Summary: Blue knew that it was unfair to blame Red. He knew that, and it made guilt tug at his insides that he still blamed him because it was easy. Blaming Red for the way he could sometimes speak his mind without restraint was easier than confronting the feelings raging like a storm in Blue’s chest. Feelings that were intrinsic, primal, overwhelming and terrifying to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i was asked to write this by @gastropodracing on tumblr! 
> 
> prompt and title from a hozier lyrics prompt list going around on tumblr

The rock skipped twice across the surface of the blue water. It was difficult to skip rocks on the ocean; one of the sad truths Blue had been forced to accept since arriving in Alola. He fished up another round flat stone, about the size of his palm, and flung it out over the water. The rock was swallowed by a wave before it had even bounced once.

_Borf!_

Arcanine, vocal as ever, trotted toward Blue from the shallows where he’d been playing around. Blue had always been puzzled by his affinity for water, considering his type.

”Hey, bud,” Blue sighed, sticking a hand into the warm fur on the pokémon’s chest. In response, Arcanine planted his wet — and very cold — nose right on Blue’s forehead.

”Cut it out!”

Arcanine gave Blue a slobbery lick. Blue scrunched up his face and reached up to push the pokémon away from him. ”I said cut it out!”

Sometimes he wondered why he brought his pokémon along with him whenever he went off to brood. They never really read the room.

 

_Where are you?_

Text from Red. Great.

_Out._

He knew he was being vague and that that was kind of mean of him. Red only meant well, but that didn’t stop him from being the root of Blue’s anguish and the reason he’d gone out in the first place. Blue also knew that it was unfair to blame Red. He knew that, and it made guilt tug at his insides that he still blamed him because it was easy _._ Blaming Red for the way he could sometimes speak his mind without restraint was easier than confronting the feelings raging like a storm in Blue’s chest. Feelings that were intrinsic, primal, overwhelming and _terrifying_ to him. He didn’t know how to handle the weight of those feelings without lashing out at the people around him, and he didn’t want to lash out at Red. That’s where he drew the line. They’d worked so hard for several years to move past the way Blue had treated Red when they were kids and becoming friends. Blue wasn’t about to let that crumble. So he left instead. Without any other explanation than _”I’ve gotta go”_.

 

He did feel bad for just storming out with Arcanine in tow and leaving Red alone like that. Nothing he did felt right in the end, but he just couldn’t stop himself.

_You’re at the bay?_

”Wow,” Blue muttered to himself as he read the text.

_… Yeah_

Saying that Red wasn’t perceptive would be a huge lie. He noticed things about people and pokémon and remembered them. Weeks ago, Blue had pointed out that one of the secluded bays in the north of Poni Island would be the ideal spot for some time alone or training without people’s eyes on him. Without thinking about it, he’d gone straight to that very bay tonight and of course Red had figured that out. He wasn’t stupid.

 

Despite Blue’s silent praying that Red wouldn’t come, it didn’t take long before he heard soft steps in the sand behind him and Arcanine excitedly ran to greet Red. Blue followed the orange and black furball with his eyes. He watched as Red threw the big lug a treat before he and Pikachu could run off and play. Then Red’s eyes caught Blue’s. On nothing more than reflex, Blue looked away. He was too far away from Red to properly see his eyes but he knew just how dark and hard to read they were, and he knew how looking at them for too long made him want to squirm.

” _Why did you go?_ ” Red asked, hands signing at a speed that was nearly too fast for Blue to be able to understand from this distance.

Blue didn’t answer.

Red repeated the signs. It was obvious he wasn’t going to let Blue get off easy this time. Damn it. He swore quietly under his breath before Red could get too close to hear him.

”I…” Blue began, but trailed off. There was no kind way to put this. He didn’t want to be mean; not really.

” _You… what?_ ”

 

”I can’t be around you. Okay? I can’t.” The words just slipped out, and as soon as he’d said them he wished he could take it back. Red’s usual scowl intensified, he looked hurt and upset.

”No, listen- Red- ...God,” Blue groaned. ”See, this is why I had to go. I didn’t wanna say something stupid.”

” _So why did you?_ ”

Fair question.

Blue couldn’t bear to look at Red. His eyes focused on Pikachu and Arcanine who were tumbling around in the sand behind Red.

”Because I… I, uh…” He cleared his throat, but he still didn’t look at Red. He could feel those almost black eyes looking intently at him, and he wasn’t willing to meet them. ”You… make me feel things, and I- _don’t_ ,” he held up a hand to stop Red from saying something. He couldn’t be interrupted now, it was too late. All those bottled up feelings were on their way out and there was no stopping them. Even though he wanted to stop more than anything.

”Just- let me finish. You make me have all these feelings, and I _hate_ it. It’s like- like there’s a hurricane inside me and I’m scared of it, and- and-”

 

He finally met Red’s eyes. If he was going to push Red away, then he might as well try and be brave and watch it all happen.

”And it’s like I don’t even know who I _am_ around you!” he exclaimed. He hadn’t wanted to shout, but he had the sneaking suspicion that his voice wouldn’t have carried if he hadn’t. ”I’m supposed to be this- this confident, not-a-problem-in-the-world type guy, but then you’re around, and all that just… disappears. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

His voice faltered, and his gaze found his feet. He stared at his sandy sneakers like the world would end if he looked anywhere else. Blue could see Red’s hands gesturing in his peripheral. He couldn’t bring himself to see what was being said.

 

Blue swallowed hard, blinking furiously. He couldn’t cry. He was already fucked up enough as it was without crying like an idiot on a beach hundreds of miles from home, feeling scared and alone. He felt firm hands press against his cheeks, forcing him to look up. Red wasn’t angry, Blue could see that. Other than that, he was as hard to read as ever.

” _Nothing is wrong with you._ ”

Blue felt how the dam was about to break. He couldn’t let Red see him like this. He bit down hard on his lip, breathing as deep as he could through his nose.

”Just- just leave me alone. …Okay?” he managed. He sounded so tired. Even Blue himself was surprised by how tired he sounded. He turned to face the water, willing himself not to look at Red. He’d just ruined everything and he couldn’t bear to look at the result.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kept feeling bad for leaving this on such a sad note, so here’s a follow-up! enjoy!! :’)

Blue sunk down to sit on the sand, pulling his knees up to his chest. He sniffled, then swallowed. Then he swiped furiously at his watering eyes because of fucking course frantically blinking wasn’t doing anything to help him not cry. The growing lump in his throat made it harder and harder to breathe. 

He fixed his gaze on the horizon and drew in a shuddering breath. When had he started shaking? He clenched his fists to still his arms. That was a bit better; he wasn’t losing control entirely. That was something.

Behind him, footsteps approached for the second time today. Of course  _ now _ Arcanine managed to read the mood, when Blue wanted nothing more than to be left alone. 

”Go away, bud,” he muttered without turning to look to his pokémon. 

He did not go away. Instead, he nudged Blue gently in the back.

”Go  _ away, _ ” Blue said, his voice more steady this time, and reached out behind his back to shoo Arcanine off. Rather than soft fur, his hand grazed against something distinctly denim. 

”Why are you still here?” he asked, though he still wasn’t looking at Red. ”Thought I said to leave me alone.” 

His voice was laced with something awfully similar to the contempt of ten years ago, and no, no,  _ no, _ this was all wrong. Not what he wanted. He dropped his forehead to the tops of his knees and drew in another unsteady breath. 

 

Red put his hand firmly on Blue’s shoulder. This time Blue turned his head to look. Red sat crouched behind him, a little bit to his right. His face was a little obscured by the shadows the bill of his cap cast in the sunset. With the set of his jaw and his steady eyes, not quite looking into Blue’s own, he certainly looked more composed than Blue himself. Hell, Blue probably had swollen, reddened eyes and he definitely had a runny nose. 

”Didn’t think you’d want to stick around after…” he gestured pointlessly in the air in front of him as if that was an adequate substitute for words, ”...that,” he amended, making sure that his voice was softer this time. ”I mean, I wouldn’t.”

Red looked like he was searching for words. Blue found it hard to look away from the way his jaw lightly clenched and unclenched as his brain worked, the little crease that appeared between his eyebrows — just  _ him _ in general. Ugh. He ran his hand over his face and took the opportunity to sniffle again. God, he was pathetic. Not only was he definitely still holding back tears, but he was pretending he wasn’t. 

” _ I said. Nothing is wrong with you. _ ”

Blue scoffed out a breath that could be taken for a laugh. ”I can’t say I agree with you there,” he said.

Red made a face and shook his head. ” _ Not saying it right. Wait. _ ”

Blue waited. He watched Red’s fingers twitch and move, almost as if he was muttering the words to himself, seeing if they felt right. 

After a little while, he started signing for real; ” _ You said I make you feel things. You do that to me. Nothing is wrong with you. Feelings aren’t wrong. _ ”

Blue stared at Red’s now still hands, then blinked once, twice, three times. It was like his entire brain had screeched to a halt. He went over, word by word, what Red had just said.

_ Feelings aren’t wrong. _

”I’m…” he started, shifting so that his knees were under him and so he could face Red, ”I’m going to kiss you now. Can I do that?” His voice fell to not much more than a murmur when he asked. 

 

Blue’s heart fluttered and threatened to start beating its way out of his chest as Red nodded. Shifting his weight forward, he reached out to cup his hand around the back of Red’s neck. He could feel his pulse all the way out to the tips of his fingers. He was vaguely aware of his knees digging into the sand. More importantly, Red’s hand was planted on his thigh for balance, and Blue couldn’t stop noticing it. In fact, he was so focused on Red’s hand, on Red being so close, that he nearly bumped his forehead straight into the bill of Red’s cap. He laughed breathlessly and reached with his free hand to grab the cap.

”I’m just gonna…” he mumbled and slid the cap off of Red’s head. Then he needed a few seconds to take in the sight of Red’s hair poking almost straight up. He felt himself starting to smile like an idiot. A lovesick idiot. Way to play it cool. 

”Okay,” he said after a moment, sounding more breathless than he meant to. Then he leaned in and closed the distance between them entirely. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed c:
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated!<3


End file.
